well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
