I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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