There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
