This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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