I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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