I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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