sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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