And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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