do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
