omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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