Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
