The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
