Apparently you make a good broom.
kristin has been a bad kristin
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Are my feet made of real feet?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
