You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
