Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
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