i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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