I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
