Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
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