He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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