I just pynch a tree in the face
I wish you could order shots online.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
