Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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