Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
