so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
