Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
