Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
