i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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