I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
