made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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