When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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