There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
