So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
