I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
