just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
