My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
