Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Randomize
