I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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