even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
