hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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