She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
