You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
