Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
time to smoke my breakfast
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
