You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm like, not good at living.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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