on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
It's rum buckets o'clock
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
