oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
