My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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