dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
