i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
