my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
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