Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
