garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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