yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
