I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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