life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE