I think I just saw someone hide a body.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
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walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
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No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.