Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
