i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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