I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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